


Restraint

by andiwould



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Crush, Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkwardness, Banter, Caring Arthur, Coming of Age, Crushes, Dubious Ethics, Dubious Morality, Emotional Hurt, Getting Together, Growing Up, Lust, M/M, Neighbors, Rejection, Restraints, Romance, Sleeping Together, So Wrong It's Right, Teen Angst, Teen Crush, Time Skips, Underage Kissing, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Whump, Years Later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 06:14:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2181030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andiwould/pseuds/andiwould
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for this KMM prompt: <i>When Arthur's neighbour, Mrs. Emrys, has to leave town for the night for whatever reason, she asks Arthur to look after his son Merlin whilst she's away. Arthur knows the boy has a crush on him so he tries to keep a distance, but as the night unfolds, Arthur finds that neither Merlin or him can restrain themselves.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a fill for the [kinkme-merlin prompt](http://kinkme-merlin.livejournal.com/33344.html?thread=35064128#t35064128) described above. 
> 
> A million thanks to [sassafrasx](http://sassafrasx.livejournal.com/) for offering to beta this for me and for your help and nice words, you've been awesome! :)
> 
> *Warning for underage on some places outside the UK.

As Arthur tries to keep his gaze fixed on the telly, he idly wonders how the hell he ended up here at Merlin—no, Mrs. Emrys' place, taking care of her son after she had to flee due to an emergency call from the hospital regarding her brother. 

Arthur knows well why he said yes to spending the whole night keeping an eye on the kid, not that he’ll ever admit it or voice it out loud. It's wrong and Arthur is not proud of it, but he can't help himself. It's been about half an hour since Arthur ventured inside Mrs. Emrys' flat to look after Merlin, and he's already feeling tense and aware of where the boy is or where he goes, as though Arthur has a sixth sense just for the kid, ridiculous as it sounds.

He'd have never pictured himself 'babysitting' of all things, but Arthur is weak when it comes to his little neighbour, much to his shame. Just the sight of Merlin standing in his doorway in his pyjamas, with frightened eyes and his hands balled into fists as his mum told Arthur the news of his uncle’s accident, was enough to make Arthur tell Mrs. Emrys not to worry and to go check on her brother, to reassure her and say that he'd be looking after Merlin all night whilst she was away.

Arthur just has a soft spot when it comes to Merlin, the kid he's seen grown year after year, the kid who used to beam at him and ask Arthur to play footie with him when he was ten and who now, at seventeen, blushes as soon as he catches Arthur's gaze, as if the mere fact of sharing a glance were smothering. Arthur could pretend that it's only because Merlin is shy, which he is, but he knows it's not only that.

Arthur remembers being Merlin's age, remembers what it is like to have a crush on someone older, because he did as well—almost everyone had a crush on Percy, Arthur's PE teacher, at school. 

He knows it's not only Merlin’s admiration for him or Merlin wouldn’t have stopped interacting with him altogether. He wouldn't avoid Arthur, sneak so many glances at him when they see each other, nor would he get so flustered when they have to use the lift together. And the fact that Merlin likes to make out with boys—if Arthur catching him snogging one outside the door of his flat is any indication—does make it all the more possible that Merlin does have something of a crush on him.

It makes Arthur feel flattered and his insides flutter oddly with something akin to anxiety and want, and at the same time worries him because the fact that Merlin thinks of him in that way makes it harder to bear. Arthur has an especial esteem towards him, but also an amicable relationship with Mrs. Emrys he doesn't want to jeopardize by getting closer to Merlin than he should. Merlin is barely legal after all, and just a kid—always a kid no matter how much he grows up in comparison to Arthur. All thoughts Arthur may have, he shouldn't, so he forces himself to stop thinking before they go too far.

He tosses a glance at Merlin, sitting at the table, with a few textbooks scattered around. Arthur can see he's not really reading anything because he's blinking too fast and too much and he keeps fidgeting with his pen in his hands in a way that makes Arthur want to reach out and hold Merlin's hand to stop him from fiddling.

"He's going to be okay," Arthur says. Merlin snaps his head towards him, seeming surprised. 

He clears his throat and drops the pen on the table. "Yeah, I know."

From what Mrs. Emrys had said she'd gathered from the call, her brother Gaius had slipped and fell off the stairs but there wasn't a fracture or broken bone or anything too serious, just some ugly bruises that needed taking care of.

"Why don't you come here and sit? Watch some telly and distract yourself for a while?" Arthur suggests.

Merlin eyes the sofa warily and then shakes his head, sending Arthur a fleeting glance. "I'm doing my homework."

"Okay," Arthur says softly. “Are you hungry? Did your mother leave you something to eat?"

"I don't think so." 

"I can cook something for you if you want," Arthur says and Merlin looks at him sharply, his cheeks rosy. He shakes his head again, vigorously now, and stands up abruptly.

"I'll—I'll order a pizza." He grabs the phone and dashes to what Arthur assumes must be his room, slamming the door hastily behind him.

Arthur stares after him and then waits for about fifteen minutes, glancing at the telly and then at the door, back and forth, until Merlin comes out again, looking kind of flustered. Arthur knows he's not only called for a pizza but has also been talking to someone—Gwen, Merlin had said in a hushed voice so Arthur wouldn't hear—and they had chatted for a few minutes. 

"Talking to your girlfriend?" Arthur blurts as Merlin steps back into the room. He doesn't know what possesses him to say that, and once the words are out of his mouth both of them freeze a little, each for completely different reasons.

"Uh, I wasn't—I don't—"

"Merlin," Arthur stops him when Merlin starts to stammer hopelessly, taking pity on him because Arthur already knows he's gay; or at the very least fancies snogging guys in the hallway. "It's alright," he says with a small nod, hoping Merlin understands. "I shouldn't have said that, excuse me."

Merlin stares, chest heaving. "You won't tell my mum?" he asks, ignoring Arthur's apology completely and instead deciding to approach the subject of his sexuality. His voice is thick with hesitation and he wriggles his hands in his lap as he shuffles towards the sofa slowly, eyes boldly fixed on Arthur for the first time, even though his cheeks are an angry red. "That I am—that I like—um, guys?" 

Arthur raises an eyebrow; he hadn't been expecting a confession.

"I, um—I know you know. I mean, you caught me kissing with Will, so. . ." He shrugs, sits on the other end of the sofa opposite Arthur, tucking one leg under his bum and turning his body towards Arthur, looking at some point above Arthur's shoulder.

Arthur nods, and Merlin shifts his eyes to look at him again, coy. "I won't tell her, but you should. She's a good woman, she'll understand."

Merlin blinks twice, seeming lost in thought for a moment, then sighs, slumps against the back of the sofa. "I think she suspects, but she wants me to tell her anyways. I just don't know how, I don't want her to be disappointed in me."

"She won't be," Arthur reassures him. "There's no reason, you being gay doesn't change anything."

Merlin stares at him for a moment. He opens his mouth as if he's about to say something, but thinks better of it and closes it again, gulping instead. "The pizza will be here shortly, but thanks for offering to make dinner. I know mum's kinda glad you've stayed here with me, though I could have been alone. I can take care of myself."

Arthur smiles. "I'm sure you can."

Merlin looks away, brow furrowing as he pretends to watch the telly, then says, "I can. I do it all the time when she’s working late."

Arthur hums and Merlin frowns at him then and stands up, looking murderous. "God, I'm not a bloody kid anymore, Arthur, alright?"

"Hey," Arthur says a beat later when he realises Merlin is, for some reason, offended. He can’t help but smile a little at the outburst. "What has got into you?"

Merlin rolls his eyes and disappears into the kitchen with a huff, and Arthur gets up and follows him, catching Merlin closing the fridge and drinking the orange juice directly from the bottle whilst he glares daggers in Arthur’s direction.

"Come on, don't be like that, you are actually acting like a kid right now, Merlin." Merlin slams the bottle on the counter a bit forcefully and stares at him, scowling. "Is it because I’m here? Do you want me to go to my flat and leave you here alone for the night?"

"No, I—not everything’s about you, ugh," Merlin says, turning away and fidgeting with the bottle again, trying to cap it with clumsy fingers and failing. Arthur smirks, amused, and Merlin only frowns harder, trying to get away from the kitchen when he manages to close the bottle. 

Arthur stands in Merlin's way, only meaning to tease, but Merlin miscalculates and bumps right into Arthur’s chest, face turning red again as he steps away quickly, eyes wide and hands curling into fists as if touching Arthur’s chest has burnt him. 

The doorbell rings and Merlin sneaks away, murmuring a 'pizza's here' and practically running to open the door as if it holds his salvation.

Arthur sighs, trailing after him and watching the exchange from the kitchen doorway, leaning against it. When Merlin comes back with the box he brushes past Arthur and leaves the pizza on the coffee table.

“I can pay for half of the pizza,” Arthur says.

“No,” Merlin answers dryly, and then ignores him for a while. 

“You used to want to be around me all the time a few years back. What's changed? Wanna talk about it?" Arthur asks after they’ve settled down, and he tells to himself it’s because he hates the silent treatment Merlin is giving him, but he knows it’s because he doesn’t want to admit that he misses all the time he spent with him.

"No,” Merlin replies in a rush, and Arthur smiles when Merlin stuffs a mouthful of pizza inside his mouth to avoid saying anything else.

“You know, I don’t play football anymore,” Arthur says instead, trying to make small talk. Merlin sneaks a sideways glance at him. “I don’t have time, not even during the weekend, but I do go out for a morning jog around the park at times. You could join me someday if you like.”

Merlin chews on his pizza and Arthur knows he’s considering it. “I don’t—like running. I mean, like, I’m just really clumsy so I’d trip or get tired quickly and I wouldn’t want to be a bother.” He shrugs one shoulder. “I don’t do sports. Don’t even play football anymore, either,” he admits after a beat. 

That catches Arthur’s attention. “No, why?” 

Merlin snorts a nervous fit of laughter and then licks his lips, stares down at the pizza box. “I only liked playing with you?” He shoots Arthur a sheepish glance. “I kinda dislike football, actually. But—it was fun with you.”

Arthur feels that odd tingling going through his stomach and he looks away. This is dangerous ground, and yet he wants more. Clearing his throat, he says, “Well, maybe we could do it again sometime.”

He avoids thinking about how hopeful he sounds, and pretends he doesn’t hear the hope in Merlin’s voice when he answers as well. “You sure? You’ve just said that you don’t have time.”

“I’ll make time for it,” he says, and when Merlin’s lips quirk up slightly, Arthur knocks his fist against Merlin’s shoulder, as if he were ten years younger and they were mates. Wishing it could be that way.

Merlin’s face splits into a grin then, radiating excitement and joy, and Arthur’s glad he’s the reason for it.

They finish the pizza in relative silence, but it’s not strained like it was before, the quiet humming of the telly a pleasant background noise. When the box is empty, Merlin gathers the dishes and glasses they have used and goes to the kitchen to give them a quick wash. Arthur goes to help, even though Merlin literally tells Arthur to fuck off when Arthur offers to wash his own.

Rolling his shirt sleeves up, Merlin dips his hands under the tap and starts scrubbing at the dirty plates, a bit aloof and slow-witted.

"Merlin," Arthur says when Merlin fumbles with a dish and splatters Arthur's arm and the other plate Arthur has just toweled.

Merlin looks at him innocently with deep-blue eyes, his hands stilled under the water. “Sorry,” he murmurs.

"Really, can't you do the washing up properly? Do you have to send water flying everywhere?" Arthur teases.

Merlin frowns in response and then splashes Arthur some more, this time purposely and directed at Arthur’s face instead. 

"Hey!" he cries, turning his head to the side to avoid the shower of droplets. When he looks back at Merlin he's smiling dopily, and Arthur's heart seizes.

He gets his hand under the tap and throws some water back, making Merlin whip his head around and laugh, smile at him playfully in a way that makes Arthur forget, forget who they are and what is wrong and right, making the line he shouldn't think of crossing blurry.

He realises he’s behaving a little bit like a child himself, turning Mrs. Emrys’ kitchen into a mess, playing a kids’ game, and possibly giving rise to some subdued flirting that will only fuel Merlin’s infatuation, but Arthur can’t bring himself to care because they are alone and there’s no one there to witness it, and because he’s enjoying himself and making Merlin warm up to him again. And he's missed Merlin's company like crazy. 

When Merlin barks a loud laugh again and he catches Arthur’s hands under the tap to keep him from splashing him, Arthur comes back to his senses. The touch of Merlin’s hand is solid and wet and sure, and Arthur knows it’s probably because he’s barely aware he’s doing it, drunk in the haze of the water-fight.

Arthur notices then that Merlin has got them both soaked—their clothes and the floor and the counter, and well, isn’t that completely inappropriate. Especially because Arthur’s wet in all the wrong places.

Merlin’s laughter dies in his throat when Arthur falls silent, pondering his options. He pulls his hands out from under Merlin’s and offers him a reassuring smile, since he's looking a bit wide-eyed at all the mess.

“Come on, go and get changed and then we’ll clean this up.”

“What about you?” Merlin says, looking at him quickly up and down and then avoiding his gaze, turning the tap off and forgetting about the dishes. “You’re all—” Merlin trails off and his eyes rake down Arthur’s body again, almost unconsciously.

Arthur feels himself growing restless, Merlin’s hot blue gaze making his body flame inside. 

“I obviously don’t have anything that’d fit you and mum doesn’t have any men’s clothes that I know of, so—”

“Don’t worry, I’ll step into my flat and change. Just go to your room,” Arthur replies, shoving Merlin softly towards the door.

Merlin glances at him over his shoulder with a smile and then leaves the kitchen to do as Arthur's told him. Arthur uses the five minutes Merlin’s gone to wipe the counter and the floor clean, until Merlin comes back with a pair of dry bottoms and a blue shirt that makes his eyes stand out irresistibly, and gives Arthur another once-over.

“You didn’t have to,” he says, frowning as he looks around. 

“You would’ve just made it worse,” Arthur replies and then shoves Merlin back out of the kitchen. “I’ll be back in a few, let me get changed.”

“Wait—” Merlin says, trailing after him when Arthur heads for the front door. “Can I—go with you?”

Arthur raises an eyebrow; it’s been ages—at least five years since the last time Merlin was in his flat, when he wanted to spend all his time with Arthur and Arthur didn’t mind having the kid over, playing some video game on his Xbox or going with Arthur to the park around the corner to kick the ball.

He pauses and wonders if it’s a good idea. But then, with the look Merlin’s giving him and the twist in his gut telling him to give in, he can’t well deny it. He sighs and then nods. “Yeah, come on.” He waits behind Arthur as they stand in the hall, and enters quietly after him when Arthur gets the door open.

Merlin peers about, not touching anything, just assessing with his gaze, and Arthur is surprised to note that Merlin actually follows him into his bedroom. 

Arthur frowns for a moment, thinking he should ask Merlin to wait outside and give him some privacy, but he doesn’t have the heart when Merlin is so quiet and observing the room with a bit of wonder. It’s not much bigger than Merlin’s mum’s may be, and it hasn't changed one bit since Merlin's last visit, but Merlin seems to be inexplicably interested in its contents anyway. 

He clears his throat and just grabs the first sport pants he finds in his wardrobe and another shirt and quickly changes them for the wet ones, half-hiding behind the door of his wardrobe. He doesn’t miss Merlin’s fleeting glances as he undresses, but he keeps his back to him and steps quickly into his clothes before he nudges Merlin outside. 

“Does your Xbox still work?” Merlin asks him as he approaches Arthur’s telly. 

“Of course,” Arthur tells him. “Wanna play?”

Merlin turns to look at him from where he’s crouching on the floor, observing Arthur’s video games on the shelf beneath the tv, smiling. “Yeah, okay.”

They play each other for a while in boxing, car races and finally in Halo, and at first Merlin kicks his arse at the three of them, but then Arthur gets the hang of the controllers again and starts giving Merlin some real competition. Merlin jumps on the sofa and laughs and frowns at Arthur, and Arthur has such a great time that he wishes he weren’t an adult so he wouldn’t have to tell Merlin to stop playing at 1AM and go to bed. 

“Can I stay at yours?” Merlin asks just when Arthur’s about to tell Merlin to go home. He did tell Hunith he’d watch over Merlin, and he’s got an empty guest room after all. So he says yes. 

As Merlin slips into the bed, Arthur bids him good night from the doorway. “If you need anything, you know where I am,” he says, not expecting Merlin to actually need anything. But a few hours later, when it’s still dark outside and Arthur’s still lying awake in his bed thinking about the evening’s events, he hears Merlin sneaking inside his room quietly.

He stays still as the soft cracking of the door alerts Arthur to Merlin’s presence, and then waits for something to happen. He hears Merlin huffing, a tad too loud, probably tempted and worried Arthur might catch him in the act and tell him off. But what he doesn’t know is that never mind that Arthur should, he probably wouldn’t. 

Merlin’s footsteps are measured and soft—he’s likely barefoot—as he approaches the bed and Arthur forces himself to keep motionless so as not to scare Merlin away. He wants to know how far Merlin will come.

His breath catches a little in surprise, however, when Merlin curses a couple times and then flings the covers off subtly to slide inside the bed, keeping as far away from Arthur as possible, but definitely planning on staying the night.

Arthur waits, but nothing else happens. Eventually Merlin’s breathing evens out, and when Arthur’s sure the kid’s fallen asleep, he turns around carefully to look at the picture Merlin makes lying over Arthur’s pillows, with his boyish face, but sharp features, and with those pink lips Arthur craves to kiss.

His heart aches then, because he longs for something he can’t have. 

He turns around on his side again, and he doesn’t know how much time passes before he falls asleep, but he knows it’s less than a couple of minutes after Merlin snuggles closer to his back, the sound of Merlin's slow, deep breathing lulling him to sleep.

/ /

As he wakes up, Arthur realises he’s wrapped up in a handful of Merlin’s limbs. He was expecting it, but what he wasn’t expecting was for it to feel this natural and cosy, when it should feel so wrong.

Merlin is tall, and long, and a bit thin—still growing up—and he’s lying loose-limbed and relaxed. His head is resting next to Arthur’s, nuzzling his shoulder, one of his hands is thrown over Arthur’s waist, and their legs are locked together in such a manner there’s no way Arthur can escape without waking Merlin up in the process. 

He watches Merlin for a moment instead, because he doesn’t have anything better to do he tells himself, and because he doesn’t feel like falling asleep again. He watches Merlin sleep; the small smile forming on his lips and his fair profile and the way his fingertips are curled around the cotton of Arthur’s shirt, and then Arthur notices he’s pretty much mirroring Merlin’s smile and before he knows it he’s reaching out to brush Merlin’s longish hair from his eyelids, thick and curly and black. 

Merlin stirs softly, but before Arthur can move away, his mobile beeps over on the bedside table and Arthur is snapped back to reality. He untangles himself from Merlin and fumbles for his phone, picking it up. 

“Arthur,” Mrs. Emrys’ voice sounds before Arthur has a chance to greet her. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

Arthur clears his throat. “No, no. I was awake,” he replies, because he was. He just omits the small creepy detail that he was a bit distracted staring at her son in his sleep. She apologises again, and then asks about Merlin, if he’s behaving alright and if he’s awake as well. 

Arthur turns his head around, and even though he’s certain Merlin had jolted at the sound of Arthur’s phone, he’s got his face buried in the pillow, clearly not very shaken to talk to his mum. Arthur sighs because he knows Merlin’s pretending to be asleep. “He’s sleeping yet, do you want me to wake him up so you can talk to him?” he asks.

“No, poor thing. Let him sleep. I was ringing to say that I’ll be back in a couple of hours as soon as I catch the train home. I should be back before lunchtime. Will you tell him that and let him know Gaius is alright?”

“Of course, Mrs. Emrys, don’t worry, I’ll tell him as soon as he’s up.”

“Thank you, dear, for everything. And please, Arthur, how many times do I have to insist? Mrs. Emrys is too formal, we’ve know each other for quite some time, call me Hunith, will you?”

Arthur chuckles silently, sitting up. “I will.”

“Good to hear. I have to go, I’ll ring when I’m on my way. Thank you again for looking after my boy.”

“No problem,” Arthur tells her, his throat closing up a bit before they hang up.

Merlin is rubbing his face when Arthur turns around and he blinks his eyes up at Arthur with a bashful smile. “Hi,” he whispers, his voice a little bit rough.

Arthur arches an eyebrow at him and Merlin hunches his shoulders a little and says, “Sorry I sneaked up on you and got inside your bed.” Then he quickly changes the subject. “Was that my mum? What did she say?”

Arthur sighs, opting to let it go. “Your uncle is fine, she should be here in a few hours.”

“So soon?” Merlin’s eyes go a bit round as he sits up straighter.

“Apparently,” Arthur replies and then flings the covers off and makes an attempt to stand up. Merlin grasps his arm. 

“But—” he starts, and Arthur’s heart leaps. “Arthur, wait.” 

His eyes are wide, as if he’s ready to do something. Something he shouldn't. Merlin knees closer to him, and Arthur makes the mistake of looking down at Merlin’s body. He finds himself taking in a deep breath as he realises Merlin’s got a hard-on. 

Merlin looks down at himself quickly, and then back up at Arthur. “After last night—” His hand grips Arthur’s bicep firmly and he moves even nearer, eyes searching Arthur’s. “—this can’t be all that happens.”

Arthur frowns. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but whatever it is, stop.” He’s starting to get aroused himself and it’s the worst thing that could happen.

“I thought kissing Will would help me forget about you, but—” Merlin is suddenly right there and Arthur has barely any time to react. “—it only made me realise I want to kiss no one else but you.” And the next thing Arthur knows, Merlin’s lips are crashing against his and his hands lock tightly around Arthur’s neck.

"Merlin, Merlin, wait." Arthur tries to push him away weakly, heart pumping.

"No," Merlin replies, nipping at his jaw. “I’ve waited enough.”

“Merlin, stop—you have to stop—” Arthur grips Merlin’s arms and forces him away, but Merlin’s lips keeps sucking on random spots all over Arthur’s neck. Arthur inhales, cock swelling at the feeling of Merlin’s lips on his skin. 

He shoves Merlin away and down onto the mattress, pinning him by his biceps, and the look Merlin sends him is so wild and dark and lustful, that Arthur loses it for a moment and his grip weakens enough for Merlin to loop his hand around Arthur’s nape and tug him down to crash their lips together again.

Arthur gasps, neck and lips tingling as well as all those small patches of skin where they are touching. He clutches at Merlin’s hair; Merlin is greedy, and a bit more experienced than Arthur would have guessed, but he’s still quite sloppy, kissing him again and again, small kitten licks and pecks and making it impossible for Arthur to think, let alone have any will to pull back.

Arthur’s tongue pushes his way into Merlin’s mouth forcefully and Merlin’s taut body arches into Arthur. Their erections brush together and he pants, ruts against him, his hands scratching at Arthur’s nape. It makes Arthur come back to his senses and he pushes back. "We shouldn't—I can't do this to you—it's not right." He chokes the words out, having a bit of difficulty saying so when his body feels so strongly otherwise.

"Why not? Why not if it's what I want?" Merlin asks, looking into his eyes as Arthur shakes his head. "I don't care that you're twelve years older than me, I want you."

“But . . . ” Arthur looks around, still shaking his head desperately, breathing harsh, trying to come up with a single reason why they can't do this, a single reason that he can use to convince Merlin that he's alone on this. “What if it’s not what I want, Merlin?” he tries. Merlin pulls away and looks into his eyes. He seems to read the lie written all over Arthur’s face, because he gives a tiny smile and latches back onto Arthur’s mouth, kissing him with renewed intent, and then tries to maneuver Arthur’s body closer while his limbs wrap around Arthur.

Arthur is strong, but he’s been resisting for months, for years, and even if he feels dirty for giving in, his arousal is too strong now, and he can’t help losing his head for a moment, letting himself go as Merlin’s hand slips inside his shirt and touches his pecs, his nipple, almost as if by accident. Can’t help losing it when Merlin’s pants sound right in Arthur’s ear and Merlin whispers his name one time after another as if it’s as natural as breathing, and neither when Merlin’s eyes open to look at him with passion and adoration and need. How can Arthur deny Merlin anything in a situation like this? How can he hold himself back when he’s a breath away from losing it completely as Merlin attempts to take his clothes off and his skin looks so inviting—but also, how can he not, when Merlin’s body is so small and so young?

“I said we can’t,” Arthur gasps, closing his eyes and forcing himself to pull away. Merlin’s small, growing body isn’t made to be touched by Arthur’s adult hands.

Merlin is weaker now, probably close to coming, so Arthur seizes his chance, and much as he hates to have to do it, he takes it. He presses Merlin against the mattress and slides away from Merlin’s arms, managing to get up from the bed. 

“No,” Merlin says, sitting up in despair. “Arthur,” he pants, face a mess, eyes glassy. “Come back, please.”

“I can’t,” Arthur says, voice breaking. It tears his heart apart to see Merlin like that, but he’s an adult for something. He’s not going to let anything more happen. 

He takes a step forward and leaves his bedroom without looking back before the sight of a broken Merlin can make him change his mind. 

/ /

Arthur doesn't see Merlin for two months after that. 

As soon as Hunith had come back home that night, Merlin hadn’t stayed for one more second in Arthur’s place. He had cried—Arthur had heard him—and his face had been proof enough: blotchy cheeks, swollen red eyes. Arthur had felt like a bastard, and he’d had no idea how to begin explaining any of what had happened to Hunith; god, he had been so irrational. But luckily for him, Merlin had locked himself in his room and Hunith had assumed the sad face and all the tears had been caused by worry for his uncle. Arthur had been a coward and never denied it, and that was the end of it. 

Now, because chance is a whimsical thing, he finds Hunith and Merlin about to get into a cab as he’s arriving home from the office. Arthur stops because Hunith sees him and pulls him into a warm hug, but all Arthur can see is the cabbie getting a couple of suitcases into the boot, and Merlin carrying a rucksack bigger than himself.

When Hunith lets go of him, a tear slides down her cheek, and Arthur’s eyes widen in fear. “Hunith—” Arthur touches her shoulder, heart beating wildly. Is Merlin in any trouble? Is he going anywhere?

“It’s alright, Arthur, dear, I’m just still not ready,” she says, as Merlin gets inside the cab without a glance at Arthur. 

“What is this, what’s happening?” he asks. 

Hunith cleans her face. “It’s my boy, he’s going to study abroad,” she tells him and Arthur’s eyes immediately shoot towards Merlin inside the car. Merlin's looking away from them at the other side of the street, his back turned on them. “He’s going to America for a year.” And Arthur’s heart stops. Merlin is leaving. Because of him and what happened.

“But,” Arthur says, “that’s so far from here.”

“I know.” Hunith starts weeping again and Arthur tugs Hunith back into his arms, because she needs comfort but also because Arthur’s world is crumbling and he too needs someone to hold him. 

“Mum, please, don’t cry,” Merlin says now, lowering the window fully. His own voice sounds odd, as if he might be about to break down and cry too. 

Hunith gathers herself and lets Arthur go. “You’re right, son, forgive me. It mustn't be easy for you either.” Merlin’s head lowers as he stares at his lap. Arthur can’t stop looking at him. “I’m sorry for holding you up, Arthur.” She turns to Merlin. “Merlin, son, come out of the car and say goodbye to Arthur.”

“No, mum, it’s late, please, let’s go,” Merlin replies, and Arthur feels like he’s breaking a family apart. He never thought any of this could happen. He should have known better. 

“Excuse him, dear, he’s just too sensitive at the moment,” Hunith tells Arthur, and he nods, speechless. She kisses Arthur on the cheek and rounds the car to get inside. As the cabbie turns on the engine and Hunith wipes her tears, Merlin raises his head and looks out of the window and straight at Arthur with dark eyes. 

Before the car is lost in the distance Arthur’s gaze says _‘I’m so sorry’_ but Merlin’s eyes only reply _‘I’m leaving because you hurt me’_.


	2. Chapter 2

Arthur’s life after that is miserable for a while. There are so many things wrong and he doesn’t know how to fix them. Merlin’s left home just to get away from a man who gave him hope and then pushed him away, and because of that, a mother has been deprived of her son’s company. Arthur’s been selfish and arrogant and irresponsible. He thinks about telling Hunith what happened a million times, but he can never actually do it. It’s not only his decision to make, and Merlin isn’t home to defend himself and give his own version of the story. 

So in time he learns to focus on other things. He drowns in his work because it’s easy, stays up late in the office because now his house doesn’t feel like his own. Most nights he sleeps in the office; he can’t stand coming back home to his bed after what happened. No matter how many times he washes the sheets, it’s like Merlin’s fragrance has been impregnated there. Everything in his house reminds him of Merlin. And it only makes it all the more difficult. 

He waits for Merlin to return after the first school year is over, but he doesn’t. He asks Hunith, and she tells him how Merlin is doing so well in America that he’s going to start university there next year, which means he won’t be coming back for good. He only comes home for the second half of the first summer, but Arthur makes sure to never cross Merlin’s path.

Later that year, when the winter comes and Merlin’s back in America, Arthur thinks about moving out of his actual flat a couple of times; it’d be for the best. He talks to the tenant of the perfect flat, and when he’s about to buy the man tells him the offer is no longer standing. He tries again a while later, but the number of the seller whom Arthur had been talking to appears to have stopped existing all of a sudden. It’s like the more he longs to move away and leave all of this behind, the more fate laughs at him. 

So, in the end, he copes with everything and stays. He slowly falls back into his older routine, stops staying at the office, because his back and neck are aching all over, and learns that his sofa is quite comfortable. Years pass and he has a few relationships but more one-night stands. He takes them all to his bed, thinking that it’s the perfect way to ease all his memories. He fucks them in the way he couldn’t Merlin, but it only makes him feel despicable. It makes it all worse. He cannot substitute Merlin; he doesn’t want to. He just needs to move on.

One day, four-and-a-half years after that night, Hunith stops him in the hallway outside of their flats. “I talked to Merlin last night,” she begins, pulling a lock of her hair behind her ear, and Arthur stills. “He told me why he really left.” Arthur swallows; he can’t believe Merlin’s been braver than him. He only hopes Hunith can forgive him. “He told me he was in love with you, and he told you, but you said it couldn’t be—” her hand lands on Arthur’s hand. “—thank you for always taking care of my son so well, Arthur, you’re lovely.”

Both he and Merlin know things aren’t quite like that, but Arthur lets it go. There’s no point in dwelling on something that happened so many years ago. But now that Hunith knows half of it, it kind of feels like a weight has been lifted off Arthur’s shoulders.

After that, Arthur finds someone whom he’s comfortable with; a guy called Percival. He’s quiet and honest, and he gives Arthur what he needs. He allows Arthur his privacy, and is there to support him at times. They last eight months, but after that Arthur decides Percy deserves better than him and breaks things off. They stay friends at first, but after a couple of months, they lose touch.

Nearly five-and-a-half years after Merlin left home, he comes back. 

It’s a normal day like any other. It’s late, about 9PM, and Arthur is just coming back home from work. He’s about to put his key in the lock when the front door of the building opens for him. Arthur looks up and freezes. 

Either he’s starting to go mad or Merlin’s really there. “Merlin?” Arthur asks, stunned. “Is it really you?”

Merlin laughs. “Yeah,” he says, grinning softly. His eyes are bright and maybe a tiny bit wet, just like Arthur’s feel. It’s Merlin and he’s just the same as the shy kid Arthur remembers. And he’s here, all tall and broad and adult, and he’s back in Arthur’s life, with that grin that makes his face dimple, those blue eyes that crinkle at the corners in happiness, and everything else about him that’s always been so unique. He’s back and Arthur can’t react. “Hello, Arthur,” he says, and his voice has changed so much. It’s much lower now, manly and sensual; it’s not a kid’s voice anymore. Arthur had missed all of it so much his heart aches at seeing it anew. 

Merlin laughs again and grabs Arthur’s arm. “You’re standing in the doorway,” he tells him, but all Arthur is aware of is Merlin touching him, Merlin being there.

They get inside and stand just before the lift looking at each other. A bomb could explode right next to them and Arthur wouldn’t care because he’s in heaven. He realises Merlin’s not alone; a couple of suitcases are at his feet and Merlin’s rucksack is holding the lift open. 

“You’re back for good?” Arthur asks, finally getting his voice back. It sounds strained. 

“Yes, I’m just coming from visiting my mum, but I’m back in London living with some mates. I’ve just finished university.” He smiles proudly. 

Arthur looks him up and down, still not believing. “That's good, congratulations.” A pause. “It’s so good seeing you,” he says, unabe to hide the relief in his voice. There are so many things he doesn’t know about Merlin now, so many things to talk about.

“Yeah, you too,” Merlin says, grinning honestly and then looking down to the floor in that shy characteristic gesture of him. “I’ve missed you,” he adds, gentle, and Arthur’s heart jumps.

He swallows at Merlin’s words. He’d have never imagined hearing that from Merlin. He thought Merlin hated him after their last goodbye. “Me too, you can’t imagine how much,” he says, and maybe he’s being too sincere, too sentimental. He can’t help it. Things didn’t end right between them, and he’s always felt horrible about it.

Merlin grins sweetly, and then turns serious. “I—I’m sorry I left in a tantrum. I was a kid, as you used to call me—” His grin turns sideways at the memory. “—and I was pissed off at you for rejecting me. I was _so_ crazy about you around that age, Arthur,” Merlin says, biting his lip for a second as he remembers, and Arthur’s body responds, his heart races at the words, his skin itches at the gesture. “But I understand now what you did. I was young and inexperienced, and I didn’t understand why I couldn't have what I wanted, but I do know.” He smiles, and he seems so mature now Arthur wants to cry. He doesn’t appear to be holding a grudge against Arthur, and Arthur feels grateful for that. He doesn’t know how he’d have felt if he’d found out Merlin didn't want anything to do with him anymore. 

“I’ve been in a couple of relationships since you, and now I know you did the right thing. So thank you for respecting me, Arthur.” Merlin goes for a hug, and Arthur stills in surprise. Before he can begin savouring it, though, the hug is over and Merlin’s pulling back, and Arthur realises he’s kind of disappointed. Merlin sounds as if five years ago is the past, when for Arthur it’s still very much the present. He hasn’t forgotten about the little kid who sneaked into his bed and kissed him fiercely, who wanted to give himself to Arthur, and Arthur’s feelings for Merlin haven't disappeared, no matter how hard he has tried. He feels more than ever at seeing Merlin again. 

But he doesn't know how to tell Merlin that without looking pathetic.

“Why did you leave?” Arthur asks, though it’s more of a rhetorical question than anything. “You sort of broke my heart,” he says, snorting a laugh without humour.

Merlin stares at Arthur uncertainly at hearing that. “I did it for us,” he replies, sounding sad. “I couldn’t stand being around you after what happened. I was ashamed and so bitter, and I didn’t want things to be awkward between us. I had dragged you into that situation and I felt like a stupid kid, so I decided that some distance between us would be for the best. I had to move on so you could move on.” 

Arthur nods; he understands that thought. Before he can say anything, though, Merlin speaks again. “I’m so sorry, Arthur, but they are waiting for me and I need to get going,” he says. Arthur takes a breath, nods dumbly again. 

“Sure,” he replies, looking away. 

“But, hey,” Merlin says, sounding hopeful and enthusiastic. “I live not too far from here, maybe we could meet and catch up, yeah?” Arthur lifts his gaze to meet Merlin’s. “Let me write down my address for you somewhere, hold on.” He opens his backpack and starts looking inside for something and then gets out a pen and a napkin from some restaurant and writes down something on it. He hands the paper to Arthur with a smile. “Come visit any time; I’ll be waiting for you.”

Merlin’s grin is big and dorky and full of hope as he puts his rucksack on and grabs his suitcases. 

“Okay,” Arthur tells him, gripping the napkin in his hand tightly. He opens the door for Merlin and Merlin thanks him. 

“I’m glad to be back, I’ll see you soon, Arthur,” Merlin says, eyes blue and shiny as he turns and leaves.

Arthur stands there for a couple of seconds, hearing the cars passing on the street. 

Merlin is back and now everything’s different. 

Maybe he shouldn't, and maybe Merlin's right and all the time away should have taught Arthur to move on, but now that Merlin's here there's a part of him that can't help but hope, but think, that there could a chance for them now.

/ /

“Gwaine, can you get it?” a muffled voice that sounds like Merlin’s says through the door. 

“No, having a wank here,” comes the reply. Arthur’s eyebrows raise on their own. 

“Elyan?” Merlin’s voice asks. There’s no response for a few seconds, and a moment later the sound of footsteps approaching fills the silence. 

Arthur waits outside of Merlin’s flat, looking down at the napkin in his hand. A week has passed since they saw each other again. 

The door opens all of a sudden to show him a flustered Merlin. 

“Arthur,” Merlin breathes, seeming shocked to see him. He wipes the sweat from his brow with a hand streaked with paint. His shirt and shorts are all covered in light blue stains as well. Then he smiles, seeming genuinely happy to see him. “Come on in, and sorry for the mess. My flatmates have everything in the way and are no help, and I’m painting my room,” he tells Arthur as he makes his way between the boxes and leads Arthur away from the entry. 

“If you want I can come another day,” Arthur says, not wanting to be a bother. 

“No, please,” Merlin’s waves a hand. “You’re never a bother. And— I really wanted to see you again.” His lips tug into a slow, hesitant smile. 

A door bursts open and a shirtless guy with long brown hair comes swaying into the lounge. “Did you say _Arthur_?” the bloke asks. Arthur looks from Merlin to him, feeling uncomfortably curious about the nature of their relationship. “As in Arthur the guy you’ve been in love with your whole life and you won’t shut up about for a single second, who’s I don’t know how many years older than you but you don’t give a shit, and whom you’re planning to get back?” 

Merlin’s face turns an angry red. “God, shut up, Gwaine! Do you always have to ruin everything?” he says, throwing a brush at the guy’s head. It misses, but leaves a blue stripe on the wall instead. Merlin covers his face with his hands and shakes it for a second, his shoulders expanding with a deep breath. Then he drops his hands and looks at Arthur with wary eyes; in a couple of seconds he’s turned into a wreck. He's still the same Merlin he remembers.

The Gwaine bloke sniggers unapologetically and slips into the kitchen, unaware of the pure anguish on Merlin’s face. “Sorry, mate, you know I can’t keep my mouth shut, but I'm doing you a favour, really," he says before he dashes out and makes his way to his room. "And hello, Arthur, by the way. I’ve heard lots about you.”

Arthur’s mouth has fell open halfway into Gwaine’s speech, but now that he's disappeared, he looks at Merlin, waiting for an answer. False hope is the last thing Arthur needs, but if it’s true—if Merlin still thinks about him that way then—

“Merlin—” he starts, asking his question very slowly. “I know this has always been inappropriate, and now is almost no different, but do you still feel something for me?” 

Merlin swallows and Arthur waits. His’s eyes fix on Arthur, before he shakes his head. “I wasn't supposed to tell you now like this, but thing is, I just can’t get you out of my mind,” he says, shoulders sagging. He talks quickly, as if he has many things to say but doesn’t know if Arthur will stay to listen them all. “I can’t, Arthur, and believe me that I’ve tried, but I’ve known you my whole life and I know you’re it for me. I know it sounds incredibly corny but I know it, I can feel it here,” Merlin says, his hand coming up to his heart in a fist, and his eyes screaming for Arthur to feel the same. “That time it couldn’t be and I get it, but please, tell me you can give this kid a chance. Tell me you can want me now like I want you.” Merlin sounds eager and genuine, but he isn't forcing Arthur, clinging and demanding like he did at sixteen. He's speaking what he feels and asking, giving Arthur a choice. He looks wary, but he also looks as if he can take a no for an answer. But Arthur won't say no. He's been hoping for a moment like this for so long that he sees no reason to make either of them grieve or wait any longer. Truth is, as he stares into Merlin's eyes, that things _feel_ different now.

He smiles at Merlin and then, bringing his hands up to Merlin’s neck, he leans in close and presses his lips softly against Merlin’s. They taste like victory, and both of them immediately relax into the kiss, calmly breathing out all their worries. Merlin’s lips are pliant and tender and smiling, and Arthur’s are full of longing after all these years. There’s no one else in the world that can love Merlin more than him; Merlin is meant for him, and he’s meant for Merlin, and everything else be damned. All is finally clicking into place. 

Merlin’s grin grows so much that it makes it impossible for Arthur to keep on kissing him, but it doesn’t matter because seeing Merlin this happy is everything Arthur’s ever wanted. They draw back just enough to be able to look into each other’s eyes. 

“I hope you still keep your Xbox intact, because I’ve been buying games for it all these years only so I’d come home to you and could beat your arse at each of them like I used to do,” Merlin tells him, his tone teasing.

Arthur snorts a chuckle, shaking his head. “Merlin, I’m an adult, I don’t play video games.” 

Merlin looks down at the floor, and then meets Arthur’s eyes again. “Yeah, I know you’re an old man now, but I promise to take care of you.”

Arthur wants to look offended but his lips only smile, wide and full of joy. “I see you’re still the same insufferable kid in spirit.”

“Some things never change,” Merlin tells him, smug, giving him a long, slow kiss now that he can. 

Arthur melts into it, then says as they break apart, “And they never will.” 

Because no matter how much time passes, Merlin will always be that kid for him and Arthur will never stop being a little bit in love with him. 

 

_FIN._


End file.
